Inside.

What kind of person are you? Are you a kind, gentle, caring and loving person? 

I ask you because I finally see what I am, and I wonder if you know what you are. My eyes have been opened, and so should yours. 

I don't have many dreams anymore. And even when I do, I don't remember much of it when I awake. Still, there is the occasional dream. Although, I don't usually read into my dreams - key, usually - I've had one that I am reading into. Nothing spiritual or anything like that, just taking it for face value, with it's lessons. 

Now, what the actual dream was about is no matter.

 

Now I suppose it's due to the fact of losing so many *friends* who I thought truly cared, but it seems as though I've traded them for apathy. This doesn't only affect my fake friends, it affects even those closest to me. 

You see, we all end up with those friends who just get you - and you them - but sometimes we have those select one or two that will tell you the cold hard truth - no matter what the cost. Hold on tight to these friends! But also, be honest to them in return. It was through talking to a close friend of mine that got me thinking about what kind of person I am...and then I had this dream. 

It made me realize that, yes, I am a caring, eager to listen, shoulder to cry on, loving friend, but it doesn't always stay. I grow ever closer to certain people, but then it's like I fade away...now this has caused other people to run, but a few have refused to go anywhere. Now, I never go anywhere, away from my friends. I stick by them! It's just that sometimes I need to take a temporary step back, and that's when most run away from me. 

It's a hard thing to deal with - losing someone you though would stay - but as unfortunate as it may be, I've become numbed to the pain. It's not a good thing, though. Because of my numbness, it seems as though I don't care about those I love. Shile it is not such as the afore mentioned, it's hard to avoid. It makes me the type of person that others purposely fade away from. 

I charge myself with the attempt to overcome this, to an extent. Put aside certain trust issues, from all of those who've faded, and be a long-term caring friend. I charge you with the same, whatever your case may be...take hold of it, for the betterment of you and those around you. 

And through Christ, we are able to do this. For in II Corinthians 5:17, it says - "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." 

So, I won't dwell on me, but I'd like you to ask yourself - what kind of person are you? Talk to your closest friend, ask them how they see you, deep down. Ask them for the truth. I believe we need to ask our friends these types of questions, for then we are able to have a constant goal of betterment of ourselves. 

Look inwards - who are you inside?

Don't be that fake friend. Be the honest one

To fall. To wait.

What is it to wait?
What is it to fall?
Which comes first?
And what can we do about it?

To wait, I believe, is to have courage to go farther than before. Patience, trust, hope and confidence. But in what and to what end? In God? In the hope of enough time to work things out? But even time, filled with longing, can wear a man down; make him question his sanity, his reasons.

To fall, some think is a choice.
Sure, we have 'free will', but what God has destined will come to pass. Free will or not, falling is not something we can control or predict. It is something that happens so suddenly you don't know why or what hit you. But at the same time it's something that, once it's happened, you cannot know what it was like before.

It's something that will drive you crazy! It will drive you to previously unknown emotions, feelings, power and strengths.
But at the beginning, once given a bit of time, you might think the feeling is gone. You're back to normal. But no...given the chance, or 'spark' so to speak, those feelings will come back. And what a vengeance they'll hold. They never truly left.

You fall. You wait.

Rest in the Lord , and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the Lord , they shall inherit the earth. (Psalms 37:7-9 KJV)

~Hananiah

A late night verse.

After lying awake for what had seemed an eternity, I finally got up to start writing, not knowing what to write about.

I wrote a poem.

in the sleepless night
one simply lies awake
alas they lose this fight
for of this time, something to make

to sit without a sound
to lie without moving
by silence one is bound
but the mind is ever running

the silence s deafening
lost in this dark room
these thoughts shattering
but for the comfort of a womb

though the black is at a pitch
hardly the darkest hour
and for a friend one would wish
meanwhile the rain doth pour

through a country window
to see only the dark
lonely like the widow
to remember that park

to sit without a sound
to lie without moving
by silence two were bound
but their minds ever running

An introduction.

I feel as though I owe an introduction of sorts.

If you have happened to stumble on this here Blog, you probably already know my name. If not, Hananiah is the name my parents gave me, and I love it ever so much!
My best friend rarely calls me that, and if she does, I know I'm in trouble. She, instead, started the nickname "Niah" which is by far my favorite nickname of all time! And now all my closest friends call me that.

I am a simple man, to the view of the hawk perched on a limb, viewing from a distance…but to the mockingbird, who sings its beautiful songs for my heart to hear, and rests its wings long enough to see how my mind flies, I am but a complex soul. 
I can't decide if my wings are clipped, or just have simply been tucked in for so long that I don't know how, or what it feels like to spread them.
I'm not saying I'm trapped or held down here, not at all. I simply mean to say that this soul is tired; not from constant movement, but from too much rest.

I wouldn't trade the memories, the tears, the friendships lost, or the ever so many gained; the 117 acres I live on, or even the *used-to-be-a-barn* house I live in.
It's the little things in life, such as mentioned above, that make the music in my life.
Sometimes it's a sad song, or even a happy upbeat punk rock song, or maybe a loud dubstep album, but none the less, I would die without my music. And I dare say, my closest friends make quite the composers!

I live on the outskirts of a freight town. By "freight town" I mean train freight.
The town I speak of is the type of town where everyone is either related, distantly related, or might as well be related.
It's also a farm town, for surrounding the city, for miles, are crop farmers, dairy farmers, meat farmers, and the farmers who mostly just own a lot of land.

While I may live where I'm surrounded by farm life, old ford trucks and country boys, that is not all my life entails, and I'll try to refrain from making that the focus.

I'm the youngest of seven. But of course I've had plenty of moments when I felt as though I were an only child, or how an adopted child sometimes feels out of place, or like I have but one friend, and even he was imaginary.
This said, you probably got the idea that my younger days were a bit of cloudy skies...that is true. But I've had just as much clear skies of joyous days as well, don't forget that.

The first five years of my life were spent in a little house I remember very little of in Denver Colorado. I only remember the little things such as the back yard and the driveway....
We moved here, to the middle of the west of nowhere; nowhere being Missouri.
The only time I ever wished we had stayed was when we'd lived here for a month, and I missed the sidewalks cause I wanted to ride my bike.
I wouldn't trade this place for anything, though.

So, if you've the patience and have made it this far, I applaud you. But now I must bring this introduction to an end, though a lack of eloquence it may have, I bid thee farewell. 

That's all for now, until next time.

~Hananiah