Count it all Joy

I sit here with instrumental music playing in my earbuds, trying to drown out some of the surrounding sounds of this late night. Part of me wants to pour my heart out on this page, just let the tapping of the keys flow with the rhythm of the music and say it how it is, but then I realize that it wouldn't help me any. It wouldn't gain me any knowledge nor understanding. You all would see it, and maybe even have some encouraging comments, but if I'm coming here for understanding and guidance, I'm looking in the wrong place.

I'm in a phase of my life where I'm the happiest I've ever been, but at the same time I'm the most expected of that I've ever been.
Responsibility is a funny thing; you have to know when to speak and when to listen. Happiness is a funny thing; you have to know how to savor it because in a moment it can be gone, and then you're suddenly back to responsibility and knowing what is best for the situation.

The trick is to remain joyful. Having joy doesn't necessarily mean you're happy. In my opinion, joy is a state of being, more than the limits of a simple feeling. It is a lifestyle. 

But there we are again. Joy is a funny thing.
To remain joyful is to know that you are not in control, yet know the best is yet to come. Remaining joyful is knowing that The Lord is giving you this trial of "stepping up to the plate", as some call it, this time of responsibility and doing what is right, not what is comfortable, for the sake of growth in your heart, and growth in Him.

I return to where I said that I'd be looking in the wrong place. Here you are reading this and I hope you are encouraged, but not in me. Take your encouragement to read The Gospel more, gain in Understanding and Diligence, and know when to turn to Him, and not only to a friend.

You see, we have all these little reminders of His goodness to us like Psalm 27:13-14. Little reminders to remain in joy. Subtle, yet so powerful.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert on remaining in joy. I struggle everyday. Every night when the world is asleep, I lie there and wonder how I can be so abundantly blessed, yet so overwhelmed at the same time.

It's a beautiful thing, really.

So no, I won't poor my heart's burdens out on these keys for you to peruse over in a matter of seconds, just for you to move on and be none the wiser. I will simply say Be Strong, Take Heart, Wait on The Lord. I need to learn this lesson as much as the next guy, but acknowledging the task is the first step to mastering the skill.

Grace and Peace,
~Hananiah. 

The Power of Prayer

           I was struck with a wake up call yesterday afternoon, but not in the ordinary sense. No, this was about the overflowing grace and strength that our Father gives freely to those who are His. 

           I've never felt the bond so strong, of that of a brother or sister in Christ. Never before have I seen the connection so strong, stronger than a braided steel sheet, nor felt such a friendship when you've not indeed yet met.

           To give a bit of background to what I am getting at, I'll give a bit of the history from the past few weeks -- if you know me personally, you'll likely already know of what I'm about to speak of, but if you are a brother that I've not yet met, I'll explain now.

           On the late morning of Wednesday, October 30th, I was coming in from the field, finishing moving the cattle fence, when, as I came upon the house, riding the ATV, I see my mother and sisters running frantically out the door. I, seeing that they were headed towards the car, shouted something like 'what's going on?'(a little more intense than that) only to get the response 'dad cut himself with the chainsaw, we think it's pretty bad...'

           Without waiting for them to reach the vehicle, I hit the gas and tore out to the back pasture, where my father was going to be cutting wood, without hesitation. Just as I flew through the pasture at who knows what speed, my mind was running a million miles an hour. I wasn't thinking about the extra workload that would be issued to my plate, I wasn't thinking about the medical bills sure to follow, I was thinking about what it was exactly that I was doing....

           You see, me and my father have never gotten along too well. And it's not that that I don't care for him, quite on the contrary. But I never truly realized that, no matter how large or numerous our disagreements, I have a deep love for my father. One I've never shown, nor do I expect to truly show, for that's just how I am. 

           Now, after twelve hours in the hospital, a grueling surgery to repair two tendons and do the best to repair the mangled flesh, my mother, father and sister all returned home. It was at this point when the idea of the heavy workload that was now placed upon me sunk in. 

           There wasn't much to do around the farm, when it was me and my father running it - but then change that to just me, and you have a completely different story, not to mention trying to maintain now minimum hours at my job on a horse ranch.

           Now, it's been a few weeks and things have settled down a bit. We've divided the work up a bit between me and my sisters, and are getting along just fine. We've been beyond blessed with the help from those in our church!

           Now to bring this back to my original topic -- The Power of Prayer -- never underestimate it. 

           I received a message from an acquaintance friend of a friend from down in Texas. She had previously heard about my father and had iterated that she would keep my father and family in her prayers, but this time she was asking how he and things were. She said that she and her whole family have been praying for me and my father, and entire family, while we face this trial. 

           This struck my heart. We've never met, we've had minimal interaction, and here she is expressing her worry and concern for me and my family. 

           This, in my opinion, is a true example of a brother and sister in Christ. The concern of others, even those you don't know well, or even at all. This has not only been a realization for myself, but also an encouragement and light to what I ought to strive for.  

           Now, I ask that you would keep my family in your prayers. We've a long and bumpy road ahead, and we'll need God's strength to guide us through.

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          Now I'll end this here, and thank you for your time if you've read this far. Lord  be with you! 

           ~Hananiah

Hold Me

I was going through my notes, when I found a poem I wrote earlier this year. Now you must understand that I was on the tail end of a rough time when I wrote this...and also that, when I write, I exaggerate details to make the poems fit better. 

This one is called Hold Me. 

Someone hold me while I fall asleep

Though I know you won't stay

I still reminisce over that day

For those lost days I still weep

The tear I cry is but an ocean

Forever, have I lost you?

My love remains true

But is this feeling just a notion?

In the darkness, I am bound

Among these battles of mind

The want of something so kind

In those moments I was found

A wish to dissolve in this rain

A wish for a break in the storm

Recalling clearly, you held my arm

I survive in midst of pain

A face I use to know so well

I struggle to read now

The pain I know, you never show

The pain you feel, you'll never tell

Take me back to the early days

You were forever mine

But now like ashes and wine

I, awakened to your ways

What happens from now on

From all the days ahead and passed

Learn from trials upon us cast

But now, forced to move on

These ties to you are so strong

Will my mind ever be clear?

Losing you was my greatest fear

Now talking to you seems wrong

You have a past, so do I

What more could one expect?

Your choices I do respect

The chances you give, I see why

...

By now, I have moved on from the trial of that time. And by the grace of God, it has been for the betterment of me. 

Thanks for stopping by long enough to read this! 

Also, I might try to write a paper on teen suicide/self harm/depression, for that's been something that I want to write about for a while now...so, if you like, stay tuned!

Inside.

What kind of person are you? Are you a kind, gentle, caring and loving person? 

I ask you because I finally see what I am, and I wonder if you know what you are. My eyes have been opened, and so should yours. 

I don't have many dreams anymore. And even when I do, I don't remember much of it when I awake. Still, there is the occasional dream. Although, I don't usually read into my dreams - key, usually - I've had one that I am reading into. Nothing spiritual or anything like that, just taking it for face value, with it's lessons. 

Now, what the actual dream was about is no matter.

 

Now I suppose it's due to the fact of losing so many *friends* who I thought truly cared, but it seems as though I've traded them for apathy. This doesn't only affect my fake friends, it affects even those closest to me. 

You see, we all end up with those friends who just get you - and you them - but sometimes we have those select one or two that will tell you the cold hard truth - no matter what the cost. Hold on tight to these friends! But also, be honest to them in return. It was through talking to a close friend of mine that got me thinking about what kind of person I am...and then I had this dream. 

It made me realize that, yes, I am a caring, eager to listen, shoulder to cry on, loving friend, but it doesn't always stay. I grow ever closer to certain people, but then it's like I fade away...now this has caused other people to run, but a few have refused to go anywhere. Now, I never go anywhere, away from my friends. I stick by them! It's just that sometimes I need to take a temporary step back, and that's when most run away from me. 

It's a hard thing to deal with - losing someone you though would stay - but as unfortunate as it may be, I've become numbed to the pain. It's not a good thing, though. Because of my numbness, it seems as though I don't care about those I love. Shile it is not such as the afore mentioned, it's hard to avoid. It makes me the type of person that others purposely fade away from. 

I charge myself with the attempt to overcome this, to an extent. Put aside certain trust issues, from all of those who've faded, and be a long-term caring friend. I charge you with the same, whatever your case may be...take hold of it, for the betterment of you and those around you. 

And through Christ, we are able to do this. For in II Corinthians 5:17, it says - "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." 

So, I won't dwell on me, but I'd like you to ask yourself - what kind of person are you? Talk to your closest friend, ask them how they see you, deep down. Ask them for the truth. I believe we need to ask our friends these types of questions, for then we are able to have a constant goal of betterment of ourselves. 

Look inwards - who are you inside?

Don't be that fake friend. Be the honest one

To fall. To wait.

What is it to wait?
What is it to fall?
Which comes first?
And what can we do about it?

To wait, I believe, is to have courage to go farther than before. Patience, trust, hope and confidence. But in what and to what end? In God? In the hope of enough time to work things out? But even time, filled with longing, can wear a man down; make him question his sanity, his reasons.

To fall, some think is a choice.
Sure, we have 'free will', but what God has destined will come to pass. Free will or not, falling is not something we can control or predict. It is something that happens so suddenly you don't know why or what hit you. But at the same time it's something that, once it's happened, you cannot know what it was like before.

It's something that will drive you crazy! It will drive you to previously unknown emotions, feelings, power and strengths.
But at the beginning, once given a bit of time, you might think the feeling is gone. You're back to normal. But no...given the chance, or 'spark' so to speak, those feelings will come back. And what a vengeance they'll hold. They never truly left.

You fall. You wait.

Rest in the Lord , and wait patiently for him: fret not thyself because of him who prospereth in his way, because of the man who bringeth wicked devices to pass. Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the Lord , they shall inherit the earth. (Psalms 37:7-9 KJV)

~Hananiah

A late night verse.

After lying awake for what had seemed an eternity, I finally got up to start writing, not knowing what to write about.

I wrote a poem.

in the sleepless night
one simply lies awake
alas they lose this fight
for of this time, something to make

to sit without a sound
to lie without moving
by silence one is bound
but the mind is ever running

the silence s deafening
lost in this dark room
these thoughts shattering
but for the comfort of a womb

though the black is at a pitch
hardly the darkest hour
and for a friend one would wish
meanwhile the rain doth pour

through a country window
to see only the dark
lonely like the widow
to remember that park

to sit without a sound
to lie without moving
by silence two were bound
but their minds ever running

An introduction.

I feel as though I owe an introduction of sorts.

If you have happened to stumble on this here Blog, you probably already know my name. If not, Hananiah is the name my parents gave me, and I love it ever so much!
My best friend rarely calls me that, and if she does, I know I'm in trouble. She, instead, started the nickname "Niah" which is by far my favorite nickname of all time! And now all my closest friends call me that.

I am a simple man, to the view of the hawk perched on a limb, viewing from a distance…but to the mockingbird, who sings its beautiful songs for my heart to hear, and rests its wings long enough to see how my mind flies, I am but a complex soul. 
I can't decide if my wings are clipped, or just have simply been tucked in for so long that I don't know how, or what it feels like to spread them.
I'm not saying I'm trapped or held down here, not at all. I simply mean to say that this soul is tired; not from constant movement, but from too much rest.

I wouldn't trade the memories, the tears, the friendships lost, or the ever so many gained; the 117 acres I live on, or even the *used-to-be-a-barn* house I live in.
It's the little things in life, such as mentioned above, that make the music in my life.
Sometimes it's a sad song, or even a happy upbeat punk rock song, or maybe a loud dubstep album, but none the less, I would die without my music. And I dare say, my closest friends make quite the composers!

I live on the outskirts of a freight town. By "freight town" I mean train freight.
The town I speak of is the type of town where everyone is either related, distantly related, or might as well be related.
It's also a farm town, for surrounding the city, for miles, are crop farmers, dairy farmers, meat farmers, and the farmers who mostly just own a lot of land.

While I may live where I'm surrounded by farm life, old ford trucks and country boys, that is not all my life entails, and I'll try to refrain from making that the focus.

I'm the youngest of seven. But of course I've had plenty of moments when I felt as though I were an only child, or how an adopted child sometimes feels out of place, or like I have but one friend, and even he was imaginary.
This said, you probably got the idea that my younger days were a bit of cloudy skies...that is true. But I've had just as much clear skies of joyous days as well, don't forget that.

The first five years of my life were spent in a little house I remember very little of in Denver Colorado. I only remember the little things such as the back yard and the driveway....
We moved here, to the middle of the west of nowhere; nowhere being Missouri.
The only time I ever wished we had stayed was when we'd lived here for a month, and I missed the sidewalks cause I wanted to ride my bike.
I wouldn't trade this place for anything, though.

So, if you've the patience and have made it this far, I applaud you. But now I must bring this introduction to an end, though a lack of eloquence it may have, I bid thee farewell. 

That's all for now, until next time.

~Hananiah